I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
