just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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