just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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