Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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