Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you traded sex for a burrito?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
