my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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