I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
