3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
