I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
