wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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