apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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