I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
thus making me awesome and them whores
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She bit a glass in half.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
