some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I have aggressive nipples.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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