Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
