I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
