He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
