you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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