I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
