Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
