Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
