I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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