girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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