I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
