I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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