My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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