Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
