if you like me you must not know who I am
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
