Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
