i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
