EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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