Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
