If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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