The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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