hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
