He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
