Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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