You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
