Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
