you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
