he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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