Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
