Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
