You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
