I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
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I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
These tits shall not be calmed
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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