Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
