You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
