How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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