Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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