While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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