the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
