No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We're too hungover to prance.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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