you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
