I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i think i just lost a toe
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
