The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
