i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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